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i can't believe it

the one fucking thing i had left, and she took it

my future, gone

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she said she wants me to take some time and think about it first, and that she'll give them back when we get back from mexico if it's still what i wanna do

except fuck knows when we're even going to mexico

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suicide 

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my dad knows that i'm trans, now

he approved of her taking my hormones

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they kept making me being trans into a sex thing, too

it was really weird and creepy

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my mom and her boyfriend being really fucking weird about sex 

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also her boyfriend kept saying being gay was a choice and other really asshole-ish stuff

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okay they left for a little while

should i try to look through her room, see if i can find them?

except, if i did that she'd find out and it would definitely make things 200% worse

what do i do

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i can't bring myself to look through her stuff to try to find them

i don't wanna deal with the hell that'll happen after she finds out i looked through her stuff, whether or not i even end up finding my hormones in there

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she even notices when my toothbrush and toothpaste haven't moved, and gets on my case about brushing my teeth if i haven't

she'd definitely notice if i looked through her stuff

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and i just... can't bring myself to do it

i don't wanna deal with the aftermath

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i looked in all the obvious places, places i could look without leaving a trace that i looked

nothing

don't wanna dig any deeper, anything else she'd notice got moved and then i'd be in a ton of shit

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also they said they'd be back in like 30 minutes

i'm afraid they'll get back and catch me looking through their stuff

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i'm gonna wait until they're gone for a longer amount of time, then maybe i'll look

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i'm a coward

i don't even wanna look for my hormones

because i'm too afraid to fight back

too afraid of what they'd do when -- not if -- they found out i stole them back

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and that's if i even found them

i'd probably just end up looking through their whole room and not finding them, and either getting caught as i'm looking or moving something ever-so-slightly so they'd notice i looked and get on my case hardcore about it

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i keep waiting to hear the sound of them coming home, so i can say "well, it's a good thing i didn't look, they would have caught me in the act"

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i'm weak and a coward and i don't even have the willpower to just TRY to fight back... i almost feel like i deserve what's happening to me

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that's it

i just... don't have the energy

for any of this

i'm worn out

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i don't have the energy to fight back

i just can't

i don't have it in me

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i finally have it in me to fight back and go look for my hormones

except it's too late, they said they'd be back in half an hour and it's already been almost an hour so they'll be back any minute

i'll have to look some other day when they're gone

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i already know once i've missed a dose or two of the estradiol i'm gonna start going apeshit about them taking it

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i hope that recurring dream i've been having where i finally snap and start beating the shit out of her for all the abuse she's put me through over the years doesn't come true

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i'm definitely gonna lose my shit and start breaking stuff or something once i miss my first estradiol dose

she left me a few doses to "wean me off" but yeah once those are gone i'm fucked

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i. still. cannot. fucking. believe. she. did. this.

actually, i can. it's just like her to do this.

but still. i cannot fucking believe it. what the actual fuck.

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y'all are right

i need to get out of here ASAP

like, before we go to mexico

i made a post on facebook asking if anybody in the area had a couch i could crash on

got a few reacts, no responses yet

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it's just... such a huge task

i can't even imagine it

i've never done anything like this before

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i hope that facebook post nets some results

if it doesn't by like tomorrow, i'll have to make a fediverse post

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should i just say fuck it and go ahead and make the fediverse post, since it's been five years and i can't imagine anyone in this town still gives a shit about me?????

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asking for help to get away from an abusive living situation, boosts needed 

oh also i should mention

i wanna stay in california so i can stay on my health insurance and stay on my schizophrenia meds

that's like super duper important

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actually, i do suppose another state would be fine

the important thing is that i'm able to stay on my schizophrenia meds

wherever it is has to have good and immediate healthcare, is what i'm saying

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asking for help to get away from an abusive living situation, boosts needed 

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