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the weird self-help people are right that if there's something you want to change about yourself, you can

the only question is what you have to sacrifice

about a year ago i decided to become "a person who goes to sleep at 2230 and wakes up at 0530"

it became clear that would mean sacrificing the best parts of my relationship with my partner, so i chose not to stick with it

this also applies to a lot of the shitty ways people talk about disability, by the way. i could become "a person who focuses intensely on meetings without multitasking" but i would be burned out for the day after standup so i don't do that

but neurotypicals typically just hear the first part - "well you COULD do it!" - and ignore the awful consequences of making them a little more comfortable

tangent, social meta, Terran horribleness, -- 

@tindall .hg idea: abolish /could/. it's nearly never relevant. replace it with a summary of the consequences, moral analysis, and whether the relevant creatures have the capacity to.

tangent, social meta, Terran horribleness, -- 

@tindall .hg if they insist, move the line. redefine “can”. physically can, but at great cost? you “can't”. doing too much to comfortably take it on? you “can't”.

tangent, social meta, Terran horribleness, -- 

@moonbolt
I personally think "i can't reasonably do it" is an okay script here - it implies but does not explicitly state that the thing /is/ technically possible, and sometimes it's feels like lying / feels wrong to say simply say "i can't" when one /technically/ could (with consequences).
@tindall

tangent, social meta, Terran horribleness, -- 

@certifiedperson @tindall .hg You could do that. And, I don't feel like it's lying to render /the consequences are too severe/ as /I can't/. If doing the thing meant you would be badly physically hurt, nocreature would call you out for rendering that as /I can't/. Then, it's just matter of where the line is drawn—and I think external environmental factors have pushed creatures to draw it too far out, and it's high time we moved it back.

tangent, social meta, Terran horribleness, -- 

@moonbolt
Oh yeah definitely - it's not that i think "can't" is lying, just that for the critter saying it, it can often *feel* that way even when they logically know better.

The description of how we (general) draw the line to far out makes sense, and we (system) absolutely agree it would be better moved back.
@tindall

@tindall Preach it. The meeting example is 💯 me.

@tindall my very-easily-attention-fractured self feels this one hard on day 3 with 4-6 hours of meetings

@tindall literally, as a neurodivergent disabled person, I have never seen a self help book that even remotely felt relevent or felt like it even considered the chance of disabled readers

@Nonverbalpoetry yeah, i agree. i used to read a lot of self help books and they all basically seem to start with the premise "simply decide to no longer be disabled"

@tindall it's only tangentially related but kinda reminds me, my partner works doing forest schooling for assisted special needs kids, and she was reading THE book on forest schooling, and literally the first paragraph said basically 'if kids get enough outdoor time when they are young, it can prevent the child developing ADHD and autism' and she was just thinking, how the hell am I supposed to use any of these resources for teaching asd and ADHD kids forest skills?!

@tindall this is actually super deep shit and applies broadly

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