A friend recently asked me for advice in dealing with an accusation of abuse against her and so I wrote a little guide with input from half a dozen feminists of differing perspectives that I admire:

http://humaniterations.net/2018/08/18/so-youve-been-accused-of-abuse

This essay juggles a lot of things, and faces some limits because it's trying to speak to the accused specifically. But I hope it helps some people navigate shit more ethically.