solterrasa @solterrasa@cybre.space

@emma @RobinHood

Hey I just wanted you to know I loved this enough that I engraved it, it’s going on my wall, I love it so much.

To make sure it happened, I picked a date that I would look for and find a therapist. The stay at home order killed that plan and now I’m stuck in gender limbo.

Sucks.

Before all of this started I was playing with my gender expression. I started laser, I grew my hair out, I epilated my arms, I painted my nails. I told a friend I was experiencing gender dysphoria. I removed mirrors from my life since they were slowly killing me. I bought new, more feminine clothes.

The next thing I was going to do was to find a therapist who specializes in gender issues and see if I have any options available to me.

But when I think about things beginning to return to normal, I feel even worse. This is awful, but at least the basic obligations of my life are gone. I don’t have to work out, I don’t have to eat healthy, I don’t have to keep my clothes clean and get my hair cut and spend enough time with my friends that they know I like them and plan trips here and there and finish projects and be visibly successful and happy. Soon I’m going to have to do all that again, except

s i x f e e t a p a r t

Sometimes during this I feel like someone just vacuumed a year of my life away, like 2020 is going to pass and nothing will have happened except that I have one less year of life left. That’s tough, but it’s the best I ever feel. When I feel like that, I feel like I can get through this. I feel like I can live with a year that just disappears meaninglessly. I’m young enough. It wasn’t going to be an important year for me anyway.

I’m just sitting here solving the stupid logic puzzles that are technically my “job”, this shit felt pointless *before* I was trapped in my home with no end in sight. Now it feels parodic. But what the fuck else do I have to do? I can switch to my other computer and play a game, if I feel the need to solve a different kind of logic puzzle for a minute. I guess.

I’m losing it here in quarantine and there’s nothing anyone can do to help me, and so there’s no one I can tell how I’m feeling, even just to relieve the pressure. What would talking about it accomplish? Would I even feel better, telling someone how I feel? We’re all stuck here together and none of us are medical professionals, none of us are helping end this any faster. None of us can help.

plan: bribe self into doing taxes with a cocktail
reality: drinking on a tuesday, not doing taxes

Haha cool my doctor says I’ve probably got it so that’s going to be a fun couple days while we wait to see.

Not because we’re waiting for tests to come back. There are no tests. Just waiting to see if I get really really sick, or stay just kind of sick.

Canvassed for Bernie today, anybody in Seattle who wants to join next time hit me up, the ballots go out next week.

You meet really good people doing this.

I have had a feeling that I probably accomplish about a day’s worth of work every two weeks. finished two weeks’ work before lunch today, so I guess the situation is even dumber than that.

Like a million events have happened! What the hell, is this game just a massive story generator that happens to have a fortress mechanic in it?

Playing some dwarf fortress for the first time in a few years - loved this game back in college. Amazing how much history is in world generation now!

ouroboros can have little a ouroboros, as a treat

I work at a cyberpunk megacorporation in a makework division doing deeply meaningless unnecessary things all day every day. Today in a team meeting my boss asked us all if we were excited for the future in a tone that implied we were really supposed to say yes.

No one said yes. Someone asked “What do we have to be excited for?”. Someone else said “no, but I guess I’m not really dreading it either.”

Kinda bleak for the team meeting, but both very fair.

A friend is really into smoked meats, and their wife asked me to help with a Christmas present where we broke down a whiskey barrel into wood-smoker sized chunks. There were some extra chunks so I took those and made them into a little box - it smells like whiskey and charred oak on the inside. It’s less artful than my usual work due to the inherently screwy wood used, but my friend wound up happy with it, so I’m delighted.