cybre!pamela 🌺 @pmosetc@cybre.space

New Instance, newly-edited #introductions post:

Hi, I'm Pamela! I live by a great lake (well, it's alright). I really love animals and have a pet turtle and cats. I like to learn new things and work with my hands. I like ecology, #STEM, #gameing, #openbsd, books and nature, and I enjoy painting but don't spend enough time doing it.

I have #agoraphobia and write about that pretty regularly, now, as well as my experiences with microwork.

Or maybe it *was* a fake and my real personality is *fantastic* and we'll all get along great!

Thinking about it, on Zoloft I actually gained a pretty obscene amount of weight, like almost 20kg in only six months? I've lost some of that again since, but it was hard... I was fairly thin when I started on it last summer.

I'd just blamed not going to the gym, but that's not how that works. 😆 Maybe there's something to look forward to, here.

I'm just fretting because withdrawal symptoms are hitting *right now* but I'm terrified my personality has been a fake all year. :/

I have missed you, Veronica Mars.

My bed has been invaded by cats and a sick partner and I'm strongly considering riding out this virus at a hotel, alone.

I managed to feed myself and take medicine and drag out some paint and canvas to play with (but no water to thin or clean my brush, that was exciting) and feel marginally better now and thought I'd interrupt the endless stream of sadposting.

I'm allergic to dextromethorphan and there just... there really aren't any alternatives at all, are there? Tough cookies, no sleep for you!

I miss late-night rerun television. I was trying to read, but that idea is right out. 😆

I wonder whether Welcome Back, Kotter holds up at all? I'm guessing nooooooooo

these articles, though...

Everyone I know who travels a lot says a lot of things that kind of make me uncomfortable because We Don't Comment On Differences. Including cultural ones. Unless we're racist.

But I'm guessing that's a taboo that gets broken quickly out of desperation.

Anyway. I'm from a very, very small town and the world is very, very big. I know a whole lot about the world, and not nearly enough about its people. (Because We Don't Comment, etc.).

I remembered someone looking aggrieved and tried to determine whether one of my Piedmont-born ideas of "politeness" is incompatible with a specific country (signs point to unlikely? I think I just annoy them).

I then stumbled on a warning about certain country's habits that I had found quite hurtful the first time (I went to my room embarrassed and cried -- from my perspective, I was clearly being told to fuck off, but the face didn't match, and I guess I wasn't?) Weird.

So I guess it's kind of obvious it's not starting off well, but being sick I missed three Zoloft in a row and apparently the taper for my dose is "just stop taking it; you'll be fine."

And I feel awful. Utterly wretched.

But.

I am now free from the constant awareness of every potential method by which I could act on it.

I'm not cataloguing sharp objects. Or avoiding my hotel room on the 19th floor. Or daydreaming about awful things.

It just... stopped.

This was the wrong pill.

I opened a window because Tisha has been annoying me so I can't sleep, and now there's a cardinal very excited by her presence on the windowsill. The bird is singing to her, and Tisha is loudly meowing back, and this bird clearly doesn't understand the danger he would be in if I hadn't recently repaired the screen. :O

Also now she's annoying me even more and I *really* can't rest, so I'm going to put on a movie.

I got *five* hours of sleep instead of four, and I feel like a new woman!

It may prove helpful to have interacted a few new ways recently.

I had a standing breakfast escort offer after missing several meals in a row at one point! The security of that and the pleasant routine was incredibly comforting.

Also, a friend was helping lots in the city. Yesterday I had an actual attack, they followed me out and stayed calm and still, and I felt safe and less self-conscious, and that gave the relaxation techniques a chance, it all evaporated and I had a nice breakfast.

oh heck, maybe I needed slightly *more* jackhammer... I just fell asleep instead of concentrating better

I was like noooo I can't concentrate, I need to go upstairs, and that was an hour ago and I've removed and replaced the same line twice and that's it

Let's play "Uncomfortable Hackroom or Jackhammer!!"

hah, most of the people I talk to when I'm lonely are within like three miles of me right now and I'm sad because they're not around to talk to? uhhhhh

yeah, time for pants. I can do some work until I go out and have fun.

I have been chilling in the room in the dark having a sad, eating a leftover food and watching a Star Trek marathon that seems to be all the movies.

*all* the movies. I'm currently watching the most recent one. Last night I was watching Generations...

Trying to get my shit together and put on pants. I have a strong need for some kind of ... chocolatey thing, after all this. I got it in my head I'd like to just go walk until a tasty dessert option materializes. I'm not sure I can? But I could try