I have an appointment for an outpatient psych intake this Saturday. Hopefully this is the start of me getting better.

You ever realize that you're not a person? That you don't actually have an identity and everything you are is a way to force people to be close to you because you can't fucking stand being alone? That there's nothing real or authentic about who you are?

Yeah, me neither.

Lindar relayed

sui, neg 

I figured out what I'm so fucking depressed about and it's nothing I can do anything about, so I just kinda have to deal with it and find something more constructive to do with my time than think about [ depressing thing ] and killing myself to make the feels stop.

Am I beautiful?
Sexy? Cute? Handsome?

Do I have value?
Am I worthy of attention?

Should I lose weight?
Gain weight?

Am I too masculine?
Am I enough of a girl?

Is this how you be butch?
Does anyone even want a butch trans girl?

Lindar relayed

** Tomorrow is April first, and many places have traditions of invented news stories designed to trick people.
If you're thinking of posting one, please consider that people are worried and anxious, and ask yourself if you really need to do an April Fools this year. **

Just finished my workout for the day and instead of feeling good I'm just kinda depressed. What the fuck is wrong with me? Ugh…

Apparently all the fitness nuts foresaw their gyms closing and panick-bought every dumbbell, kettle bell, and anything else heavy they could find, because I can't find a single store that has weights in stock, Amazon included.

I count myself very lucky I get to wake up next to this girl as often as I do. 💙

I really want to link my NSFW because I'm proud of the things I'm posting, but I also don't want it tied to my main account because of antiquated notions of "professionalism" and how it could be used against me to impact my ability to hold a desk job.

People who report sex workers on deserve a broken nose and I stand by that.


I'm not doing very well lately.
I shouldn't have to struggle to be taken seriously or treated well. I deserve better than to be discarded. I deserve to be loved and included and I don't feel like I'm getting that.

She used to love me and she just stopped one day and I don't know what I did wrong or how I get her to love me again… It's probably just over. No breakup, no official declaration, just one day I wasn't good enough and that was that.

Watched "But I'm a Cheerleader" and legit bawled my eyes out. Ugh.

I lost my fucking iLok even though I swear I know exactly where I put it, so fuck using Pro Tools ever again, I guess?

I care about recording and mixing, but I do a LOT of sequencing, so maybe it's time to switch DAWs?

Would love recommendations/feedback.

In case you didn't know, I'm starting to do pornography. If there's anything you'd like to see a 6'4" 200lb semi-muscular trans woman do naked now is the time to DM me and let me know.

I'll post links to things once I have content up.

depression, meds, + 

My living situation up until about a month ago was so bad that I had to start taking loads of anti-depressants to give me the ability to push through it, but now that I'm on the other side of it I'm realizing just how much they fucked up my ability to think and focus.

I've been off my meds for about four days now and I've gotten more hobby-work and self-caring done in those four days than I have in the past four months. Glad they got me through the worst of things, but I'm also glad to discover I don't need them anymore (I sincerely hope!).

I had a date with Tam today! We ended up spending a while on her island chilling out, and then I invited her over to mine. I just got the museum unlocked, but hadn't actually gone inside yet, so I thought it'd be a cute date activity.

I was not even prepared for how beautiful the new museum is. Tam and I must have spent like half an hour or more just wandering around the exhibits and enjoying how beautiful everything is.

All said we spent like two hours playing and then another hour just catching up on the phone. It was so nice to have such a positive interaction with my recent ex.

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