This thing happens that I attribute to being #ActuallyAutistic and having poor cognitive empathy.
When someone tells me something, I know that I am expected to express an emotion in reaction. But I also know from experience that some of my emotional reactions are inappropriate.
NTs seem expert at knowing which of their emotional reactions are appropriate, so they can effortlessly express the appropriate emotions and suppress the inappropriate ones.
It's unsafe for me to react authentically to anyone.
Because I'm #ActuallyAutistic, my first reaction to something you say will never be an authentic emotional experience, and this makes me feel very sad. Everything you see of me will be from the other side of a wall, no matter how well we know each other.
If I love you and care about you but I don't feel safe to immediately express anything with you without fear of judgement or hurting your feelings accidentally, chances are I will always be unable to express my emotions authentically with you in real-time.
This means we'll never get a deep level of emotional intimacy in our relationship, which hurts a lot.
Do you think that the semi-synchronous interactions on social media help?
Does the ability to pause, consider and write make it easier to express your thoughts/feelings?
@Algot Yes, semi-synchronous spaces are much safer because it's by nature less emotionally charged and a little removed from in-person emotionality.
And being able to read, re-read, and think over and check my response for appropriateness in my own time makes it much easier to respond in a way that others won't find upsetting or inappropriate in some way.
It's not really a solution, because I want more and closer AFK relationships, but it is a safer space, which is nice. :)
This is why #ActuallyAutistic spaces like #Autscape (UK) can be so powerful.
When a space is by & for autistic people, the majority of people are autistic; there is an understanding that immediate emotional reactions might not reflect the full range of an emotional response to a situation, & might be a bit odd!
You learn to understand that your first impression of someone's emotional reaction to something won't be the whole story, & it is important to wait & let someone continue to process and express.
This is also why a lot of #ActuallyAutistic people come across as robotic - we lack a sense that others have, and have to compensate with conscious thought. That sense is cognitive empathy.
It's similar to how the physical movements of someone with poor proprioception will come across as robotic. We have to process everything consciously, where most people do everything intuitively and automatically, like breathing.
Wikipedia on #proprioception: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proprioception
Imagine if you had to consciously process every breath. It would seem stilted and robotic. You wouldn't be able to fully concentrate on anything else. Imagine how exhausting and disabling that would be!
So when an #ActuallyAutistic person has enough energy and understanding to know that our emotional responses are sometimes inappropriate and get us unto trouble, but we don't have the spoons to formulate an appropriate emotional response in real-time, we might respond to pretty much everything *without* emotion.
And that's when we seem robotic and lacking emotional affect, fitting the autistic stereotype. Our emotional response might come a few moments later, or a few minutes later, or a few days, weeks...
My ideal situation is to express authentically anyway, and deal with the fallout as best I can. I am happier and calmer.
But it's sort of swings and roundabouts - I don't really save any energy because the energy that is no longer used on real-time processing and masking is displaced to emergency fallout repair as I flail to reassure or save a relationship when a NT person is very upset by something I've said.
I can only express authentically in real-time if I (very quickly, at the beginning) assess the situation and my energy levels, and find that I have enough energy to patch things up afterwards if I say or do something wrong.
But masking/being a robot is exhausting too.
Whether I am masking or expressing authentically, I can misjudge how long a situation will continue for. When this happens I run out of steam and crash before the end, so I either become a zombie or have to leave abruptly!
There's a lot of gumph in the media right now about #ActuallyAutistic people and processing time/speed, but I don't think I think slowly. I think maybe my processing power is occupied by compensating for the lack of senses that NTs have.
@cassolotl Here's the thing I think I've worked out. I think it's all about the priority of incoming information.
I think NTs have an automatic filter that can prioritise incoming information, so they only have to consciously, manually process the most important things.
Whereas I, and I assume other people with ASD, can't do that, so all the incoming info, especially verbal, gets all jammed up and requires extra effort to process.
@pixelguff I've heard this theory before, but I'm not sure how I feel about it yet! It certainly doesn't explain everything.
(Posted to Tumblr as one big blog post: http://cassolotl.tumblr.com/post/160117558965)
@cassolotl thank you!
@clarkenciel No problem! :)
@cassolotl Great post. Very timely for me.
@rizzn It's been on my mind too. Something something astrology blah. ;) Thank you for saying so, and I'm glad you liked it!
@cassolotl This resonates with me. I can quickly familiarize myself with technology and jump right in to something without formal training. So my job is a great fit.
But relationships? Social? It drains me *so quickly* to try to respond appropriately, and it can feel really defeating to end up doing it "wrong" after all that effort.
So many times people think I don't care or feel, but I just don't know how to respond. So I have to process and hope I respond right, or guess and... hope I respond right.
@Parzival Yeah. It sometimes feels like hitting my head against a wall that I can't possibly see and avoid, no matter how hard I try!
@cassolotl
I find it really upsetting and bizarre that using the word "autistic", or "retarded", or "gay" as an insult has become a thing people do now. Pejorative insults like that make one look like an incredibly immature person.
@ChristianD Totally bizarre to me, a person surrounded by autistic queers! o.O
@cassolotl this has been a fascinating read. Thank you for sharing these toots (and I mean that). Do you find that any of the deliberate activities you have to focus on get easier or more automatic over time?
@jerry No, but I do get better at them with practise.
@cassolotl Yeah, that is difficult... I've found that I can safely be more authentic around certain people (like my partner), and certain spaces put less restrictions on how I need to act, but it's very hard for me to completely let myself hang out, as it were...
Being #ActuallyAutistic is actually really fucking hard. Who knew?
@not_on_pizza I relate to this!
@cassolotl That. For everything.
@pixelguff <3 It's tough!
@cassolotl I wish there were easy rules! Oh, that would make life easier in a lot of ways.
I make the mistake of thinking humans are consistent. Like if you told me your favorite color was green, I'd assume it will always be green.
That, but about everything, haha.
@Parzival Oh gosh, I do that too. :D
"What do you mean you don't read Terry Pratchett?? You were reading the Discworld novels 17 years ago!?!?"
I'm ridiculous. :D
@cassolotl I am grateful to find kindred spirits here. Thanks, as always, for being open and authentic.
@cassolotl This has given me a new realisation. People like telling me their problems because I never look shocked but that's because I'm withholding all reaction until I know what's appropriate.
@latentexistence Whoa! Yeah, that makes sense, I'm also considered a very non-judgemental person because I withhold emotion until I've fully weighed up the situation.
TL;DR: Same!
@cassolotl That's a pretty positive aspect of it :)
@latentexistence Yeah, I do like it! :) There's often pros and cons to any aspect of autism, I find.
And it's not like there's an easy rule! If someone tells me they're moving house, I'm meant to express sadness that they're going, but a hope that the move is positive for them and will be good. But the degrees of each are meant to reflect the depth of our relationship and how I feel about that person. It's a balancing act.
I have to formulate all of these consciously, while also judging which will be considered inappropriate, in real time. It's exhausting.
#ActuallyAutistic