[scout from team fortress 2 voice] here's a vegan treat for ya - my ass!

timb relayed

[covering my mouth with my hand] nice one timb

thanks. thanks a lot

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only 'carbon footprint' of mine that I'm interested in is the one I'm leaving on the face of oil executives after my foot ignites from air friction due to the sheer speed at which I'm landing those stomps

when Friedrich Nietzsche warned us about the perils of becoming monsters in 1886, he could not have foreseen that by the year 2022 many of us would be excited by the prospect of going full "beast mode" on a regular basis

timb relayed

if your game has headbob i'll kill you in real life

you're out here just trying to get through your hump day. I'm out here staring at the label for my mustard and wondering if I can make a halfway decent joke about a libertarian who sees "acidity regulators" on an ingredients list and gets offended by it

timb relayed

we have opted to fork our board of directors into a new blockchain where they haven't done fraud

If you're not cheering "chug! chug! chug!" as the garbage truck picks up and empties your bin then what the fuck are you even doing with your life

You’re eating probiotics and live cultures, coddling your gut bacteria, not teaching them independence and resilience. I’m eating shredded copies of Atlas Shrugged so that my gut bacteria will read them and learn to stand on their own. We are not the same.

CELEBRANT: Do you agree to become an absolute wife guy

ME: I do

CELEBRANT: And do you agree to be on that wife shit?

MY PARTNER: I do

CELEBRANT: I hate this so much

timb relayed

"Well, we all know why we're here," I say as I launch the inaugural A Priori Knowledge Conference. The crowd erupts in rapturous applause. I bow politely and leave the podium, my work done

Sorry I didn't respond to your email. It's just that I think computers are very bad and I don't want to go near one

"flow state apparatus". is this anything. is this relevant to anyone's interests. can someone please push some dopamine into my environment

Instead of saying "If you're here, heaven must be missing an angel", spice things up by grabbing their shirt collar and hollering directly into their face, "If you are here, who then guards the gates of Heaven? Whose blade protects the Lord?"

"this computer can run Windows 11" don't threaten me you piece of shit. I'll suplex you into the bin without a second thought. I'm only one good push from going full Linux Guy and ruining every dinner party by talking about TOR

timb relayed

so have you heard of this cool new thing called RSS? it’s like podcasts but for articles. you should check it out!

Just sitting here at my desk doing nothing when out of nowhere my body decided it would a good idea to inhale a whole pile of saliva into my lungs. Now I have spent the last 5 minutes incapacitated and coughing. If you think evolution is good you're a fucking mark

politely saying "that's not very cash money of you" as the ATM declines my card

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