timb relayed

Gravity Falls? Haha, it sure does. Well, see ya round kid.

timb relayed

Rescuing a lobster from the grocery store, tending to it as it returns to full health, and then teaching it to code.

"No man is an island"? Maybe this was true, long ago. But times have changed, and we must change with them. Introducing Gary Island,

You're eating a credit card's worth of microplastic every day. I'm eating an entire box of Lego bricks for dinner. Am I just built different? No, sweetie. It's called being a vegan.

corporations are so needy. "how was using our service?" shut the fuck up

engaging in some personal growth (putting on weight)

insisting to my date that the holes in my underwear are "speed holes" to help me go faster in the bedroom

Did you know? "La petite mort" is French for "the little mort"

[extremely The Darkness voice] 🎵 remorseless Norsemen eat my balls🎵

Imagine dragons? Haha, no thank you. A little bit too fantastic for my tastes. I will imagine something safer, like a coffee cup or a palm tree.

timb relayed

me: octopi are able to hug 4 people simultaneously, because god blessed them with the ability. however, they don't even ever hug one person, because they have made covenant with the devil. any questions
churchgoer: where did our regular pastor go
me: he is in a better place now. sit down immediately

they call me Joe Pesky because I just won't fuck off

Finally playing that game everyone is talking about

fellas is it communist to buy shares in PayPal stock

YOU: being asked to attend a meeting with HR to explain your posts

ME: knocking on the door of HR eight times a day, asking if they've seen my posts, demanding to know why they didn't fave them if they did see them

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