crazy to think that today I was elected President of the United States of America

[sitting bolt upright in bed] finishing each other's SENTENCES. Oh my god I was supposed to say "sentences". Holy shit what an idiot

YOU (a coward): I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy

ME (master strategist): Absolutely wishing the shit out of that on my worst enemy. Lmaooo drag his ass. The guy fucken sucks

Losing my shit at the idea of actor Mitch Peleggi giving himself the nickname MPEG and insisting everyone use it on set

Flipping off a dog is quite simply the perfect crime

Upsetting all the nerds in the video game store by insisting that the most powerful pokemon is something called "The Big Boy" and refusing to explain more about him

This joke would have killed it on Twitter and all that it would have cost me in return was permanent brain damage

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Every company be like "Do you want to do things DIFFERENTLY? Here at NuCorp, we're exchanging LABOUR for WAGES - interested?"

Please, Sir Mix-A-Lot was my father's rap name

It just rules so much that as an Australian I have to know exactly what is happening in US politics at all times

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It absoultely rules that US politics is basically just the Republicans forcing people into a meat grinder and the Democrats threatening to sell sassy t-shirts unless the Republicans agree to turn the handle 7% slower this fiscal year

Oh yeah professor, I'll just "evolve" a "Magikarp". Dickhead

[literally anything happens]

THE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AUDIENCE: haha ahahahahahaha hahahahhhahahaha hahahahahaaaaa aaaaaaa hahahaha holy fucken shit ahahahahaha fuck lmaooooo hahahaha goddamn haha

Is a man not entitled to the suck of his own dick? "No," says the man in Washington,

Ah, alcohol wipes - the cause and solution to all of life's problems

Excited to announce that later tonight I will be "streaming", which is to say, I will take a piss

Nothing banishes ghosts and goblins like a stout blackthorn shillelagh, and that's just

Enrolling my dog in several multi-level marketing scams... absolute power gamer move

Announcing my new spaghetti Western romp, "Bullets From My Gun-Hole"

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