capitalisation is the difference between "helping my uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping my uncle JACK OFF a horse"

tim relayed

I have just been alerted to the logo for Steve Forbes's 1996 run for president and I will think of nothing else all day

tim relayed

The algorithm: here's two bands that sound 99% alike
Me: one of these is dogshit and the other is transcendent

Okay let me stop you right there. First of all, he was ‘killing you softly with his song’? A song cannot kill you. (chuckling) And secondly, I hope you’re not saying all men are like that. I would never do that to you, for example.

Probabilities? Unknowingly weighted in YOUR favour? It's more likely than you think.

"medical waste not, medical want not," as they say

"an ancient and eternal war between the forces of light and darkness"? sounds like loser talk to me. if I was in charge I would have sorted that shit right out. it's called being a thought leader.

thrilled to be invited to collaborate with the great folks at Toilet on something new that we're calling "blasting ass". and we think you're going to love it.

Connect and chat with thousands of singles? No thank you. I would simply struggle to parse the barrage of sensory input. A positive cacophony. The fever dream of a horny idiot. I refuse.

Tracking down a doctor who will finally tell me what I need to know: are bones real or not

Online spaces are very profitable, so companies need to protect their investments by trying to stop people from getting horny in them. But history shows us that every public space will, inevitably, be filled with horny people. This phenomenon is known as "Keynesian Economics".

Tired? Depressed? Why not walk outside and sit in the warm sun, feel the fresh air on your face, and open your eyes to see your dog taking a shit a few metres away

Thinking about becoming a Sword Guy (turning into a sword, hiding myself in an ancient sarcophagus, waiting to be found)

There is much we can learn from Aesop's famous cautionary fable, "The Boy Who Was Just Doing A Bit"

"new baby just dropped," I say to my tired, exhausted wife in the maternity suite. "new baby just DROPPED," I say again, puzzled at the lack of reaction. the doctor signs a form authorising the nurse to murder me

tim relayed

should be some sort of stipulation written into the knighthood honours system that if a giant turns up all the knights have to fight it. would love to see loads of retired supermarket CEOs struggling to wield a halberd, getting eaten etc.

Folding and putting away the clean laundry would take 15 minutes... but simply pulling a clean, crinkled shirt out of the basket only takes 5 seconds. This is what is known in philosophy circles as “the Devil’s Bargain”

tim relayed

Renaissance patron: ok I want you to paint the mother and child, can you do that?

Renaissance artist, lying: yes I have seen a baby

All I'm saying is, if I saw three men beyond the wall - three men in shadows, moving fast? I would say that is a warning to us all. I would say those are the shadows, of the past.

I'm the guy who lodged the big boat sideways in the Suez Canal. I did it and I'm not ashamed

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