Ritually burning my clothes each and every time after I finish taking a shit, loudly muttering “it’s the only way to be sure”. HR keeps demanding I come and see them in their office but I refuse

All that Americans do is catch subway, hang up phone call without saying goodbye, go into medical debt after being billed $250,000 for a 30-minute hospital stay, and die

Astounding my co-workers by loudly saying "Time to get down to business" and then opening so many blank Excel spreadsheets that my computer crashes. I announce that my business is "going into liquidation" and leave via the window

every movie trailer now is just a researcher looking over a bunch of cave paintings which show a dude holding a fucked up magic sword while the voiceover says "every culture in the world has a story... of a dude with a fucked up magic sword..."

tim relayed

people i know having swords is worrying, but strangers on the internet having swords is hilarious. comedy is swords plus distance.

Just saying it doesn't seem fair that my cat gets to eat a special type of tinned food called "gravy lovers" with no consequences but when I drink straight out of the gravy packet I'm "ruining Christmas" and "getting divorced"

Announcing that I have also been fired from Star Wars for my social media posts (George Lucas said they were "too good and correct")

Lacrimosa? If I was them I would simply GET a samosa. I workshopped this joke for six hours.

The problem is that kids these days are all about "berries of the forest", when they should be focusing on "burying bodies in the forest" 🙄

Fellas, is it paleo to use your dremel to cut open a frozen bread roll

tim relayed

Vampires can't see their own reflection in the mirror because they were shadowbanned by God as punishment. Sorry if this offends

Once again leftists are infighting over whether rat kings should be beheaded as part of the class war against the monarchy, or given pats and little bits of cheese for being "cool as hell"

"Cellphone"? More like "self-own", am I right? [the publisher of the New York Times offers me a column] Haha, no thank you. I must decline.

crazy to think that today I was elected President of the United States of America

[sitting bolt upright in bed] finishing each other's SENTENCES. Oh my god I was supposed to say "sentences". Holy shit what an idiot

YOU (a coward): I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy

ME (master strategist): Absolutely wishing the shit out of that on my worst enemy. Lmaooo drag his ass. The guy fucken sucks

Losing my shit at the idea of actor Mitch Peleggi giving himself the nickname MPEG and insisting everyone use it on set

Flipping off a dog is quite simply the perfect crime

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