too angry to scream without tearing my vocal chords
too sad to sing
too physically damaged to headbang to anything
too dyspraxic to play instruments
too damaged-extroverted to learn music theory without someone else to meet me halfway
too adhd to rigorously define a music theory framework that contains microtonality

i'm gonna miss out on everything life has to offer

parasocial teamwork, five minutes at a time

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i do genuinely think hermitmode is a good idea for me, a padded room with an internet-connected computer and exactly three people IRL know of my existence and don't talk about me to anyone and my only mode of communication with anyone is to talk to those three face-to-face or play splatoon with my zero friends in solo queue or post my thoughts into the aether of an unfollowed account on mastodon/twitter/reddit/youtube/itch or randomly publish games and music and math papers to those unfollowed accounts, which enumerate to an aggregate emission of nothing affecting nobody in the greater sphere of human interaction and culture until the informatic entropic crush of context and differentiation at the end of the universe for all my existence and its heralds to be irretrievably obliterated and diffused among all elements ahead of our next collective go-around
to be truly, and permanently, gone forever
whether i am wrong or right, funny or boring, cringe or based, nobody ever really gives a fuck anyway

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when life gives you cringe, make me make lemonade, because it'll be cringe lemonade, and that's just absurdly funny

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mostly i just want to k*ll mys*lf and it's a miracle i don't fall back into alcoholism and undo two and a half years of sobriety, not that that sobriety has allowed me any real character development whatsoever and in fact led to some very real and very unrecoverable moments in my life that themselves contribute to my aforementioned s*ic*dal feelings

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at least i'm part of a post-ironic political discord that parses long comma-broken phrases and periods-replaced-with-linebreaks as [muh] run-on sentences, thereby discarding the pretense of engagement entirely, and i suppose therefore only superficially pretends to give a shit about anything posted here, where i was under the impression that the entire nonironic purpose of the place was to use post-irony as an aesthetic veneer atop genuine meaningful engagement and discourse

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and they do NOTHING. that's cool. that's fine. i have plenty of other things to do with my time, like stare at the ceiling, scroll through my youtube playlists and not click anything, glance at my math textbook and take nothing in, and fail to talk to the people i love.

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i see it's one of those "you need minimum 2mg of clonazepam in your bloodstream to queue up for salmon run" kind of days

Game-design math-philosophy skunkworks-arthouse commune-collective when?

@ame bi naural (the stereo audio is sent straight to her skull)

@suricrasia music theory is how we know time cube is real

Bexe relayed

I’m not a medical professional but just wanted to share a seasonal psa: if you’re in the northern hemisphere and the days are getting shorter, you might be feeling a bit sluggish as you get less daylight! be sure you’re getting enough vitamin d throughout the winter! depending how far north you are (and it’s probably not as far as you think), you might need to take daily supplements. I take a daily vitamin d myself (on several doctors’ suggestion) and I live in a southern part of canada

Bexe relayed

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me socialise and make lasting connections and cherish and cultivate the most important people in my life challenge (impossible) (i'm in a constant state of anxiety and self-sabotage due to CPTSD and every aspect of my life is living proof)

they're called bear and bull markets because either you bear the goods or it's bullshit that you don't have access to them

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