It's election night day a million and I've just discovered Jupiter Ascending is on Netflix, I've never watched it and now I'm gonna liveblog it. I apologize for nothing.

jupiter ascending liveblog 

THE OPENING LINE IN THIS MOVIE IS "TECHNICALLY SPEAKING I'M AN ALIEN" THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT. Does she mean immigrant? I doubt it; I know nothing abt this movie other than the line "I've always loved dogs" but it's gotta be actual aliens right

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jupiter ascending liveblog 

so by "particular charm" they mean he gives really good head right

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jupiter ascending liveblog 

I promise I will slow down but they just put exercise balls on the wheels of a regular smart car and called it alien tech, DELIGHTFUL. Europe is another planet.

jupiter ascending liveblog 

The Wachowskis said feminism and they said it with a boob window for men

jupiter ascending liveblog 

his gun is BARKING. his GUN. is BARKING.

jupiter ascending liveblog 

okay but real talk the costuming and alien design in this movie is absolutely off the tits, this is like the fifth element tier balls to the walls styling

jupiter ascending liveblog 

Killed by Gynecologist Aliens: a horror novel by chuck tingle

jupiter ascending liveblog 

If this movie had been shot 30 years earlier the evil emperor dude WOULD be played by Christopher Walken and you ALL KNOW I'M RIGHT

jupiter ascending liveblog, i'm sorry 

ignoring how long that action scene was and how little the amnesia story makes sense when they highlight the reality of digital evidence, there is definitely an implication here that Balem can see her cooch in HD during this gynecological murder scene

jupiter ascending liveblog, i'm sorry 

IM SORRY BUT DID SHE JUST DO FIRST AID WITH A PAD AND INCORRECTLY SOMEHOW?? SHE STUCK THE NON-ABSORBENT PLASTIC SIDE TO HIM... WH. WHHHHH,

jupiter ascending liveblog, i'm sorry 

The fact she only just now realizes she can control bees makes sense actually because she lived in Chicago and I'm not sure they HAVE plants there

(sorry Chicago it's just a joke don't hurt me)

jupiter ascending liveblog, i'm DEAD 

OKAY ALRIGHT OKAY ALRIGHT OKAY ALRIGHT OKAY

jupiter ascending liveblog, i'm DEAD 

me, jokingly: USE THE BEES YOUR MAJESTY
her majesty: uses the bees
me: Y E S

jupiter ascending liveblog 

its called jupiter ascending bc i am ASCENDING watching this

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