tabular-grain gf @1200bps@cybre.space

i like these images better as a diptych than individually, so i decided to try the "fake/digitally matted image" thing

portraits of roommate's new gf. i like how these turned out a lot

i made this

bruh i'm gay for a *painting*

bro i got hypertension

bro ........ ........ i'm agp

a boy becomes normal today
and finally breaks away
into freshness and understanding:
he pushed the world he knew

(will the world break him back?
will someone snap him in half?
and build back the glass?
or is it just the boy now?)

last night on edibles i spent a few hours re-reading 30k words of smutfic in my ao3 bookmarks (which go back a long way)

about half that time was spent w/ this specific 5k word junerezi fic i really love, "penny in a bed of flowers." it's this, really gentle depiction of transfem intimacy and vulnerability and catharsis. i feel a lot of feelings with it

really good night

why did Hum make 2 albums about going to space and being sad that you're going to space

i haven't seen this building in 2 years

i was a disabled (obviously so, in hindsight) full-time student the last time i sat here. today, ~exactly 2 years on, i'm sitting here a disabled (and acutely aware of it) dropout

feeling introspective right now

it's the 'tism, man. shit

"for Kodacolor-X"

you tongue of flame inhabiting
engineers, chemists, teams of
marketers, husbands of families,
you live, they lived, and greet us

stood here in the "haze on the hills"--
bright cloud in a blue dye sky, fading, failing--
i love you, things aren't the same now

but i just bought a kilogram of CD-3 off Alibaba
so i guess we're doing this anyway

[a/n: with a nod towards "Crossing Brooklyn Ferry"]

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/50322/sometimes-with-one-i-love

gay poet in the 1850s: *writes this*
me: "bestie... same 💔"

i would like to salute
the ashes of american flags

Fuji just discontinued C200

my favorite color film

frowning rn

(I bought 8 rolls in person a month ago, bc i had a feeling this was on the way, but it still smarts)

i think this counts as a poem? it definitely encodes *something*

i might revise this

last night i dreamt about a straight girl i very briefly knew in college, one of those sweet christian girls who doesn't realize how hard they're masking

it was like we never stopped talking

i met a few girls like that in college. my mom was one of them before i was alive. i hope they're all ok

also in the dream she asked me for some adderall for a party like... yass queen

i've lost 5ish pounds since i started biking 3-4 times a week (close to two weeks ago), and 7-8lbs since i started running a mild + nutritionally balanced caloric deficit close to a month ago

i think it's mostly water weight so far, bc i've been eating less sugar and simple carbs, and haven't been running a big enough deficit to lose that much. i still feel pretty good about it

about a month and a half ago i gained the ability to see my mom's constant and incorrigible fatshaming during my childhood as what it was--vile abusive shit--and quit giving a fuck about it. now i can quiet the copy of her shouting in my head and exercise/eat well for my own sake. and that's all it is; obv i like that i'm losing weight (living in a society will do that, internalized fatphobia is still a thing i have even if i recognize it), but i know from experience that i wouldn't be doing cardio 3x/wk if i didn't enjoy it for its own sake (and i DO enjoy it)

~2wk update on vyvanse

in the beginning it lasted a solid 8 hours, but now it only lasts around 3-4. it's effective for those 3-4hrs, but not as effective as it was at the start

still helps the brain fog, but it's frustrating that it doesn't last as long as i need

I've had to quit coffee (and caffeine more generally). i get tense for a couple hours (with a 1-hour delay) if i have one cup, and if i have two cups my heart goes apeshit

seeing psych in a bit over a wk, dose will bump in 2.5 wks

overall feeling good about how things are going

why does Yoni Wolf keep making songs about his death?

they're all rly good but i'm starting to think he has issues /s

new profile pic. my amazing roommate took this photo of me a couple months ago, then last night she made an interpositive out of it and went to town on it with bleach. it's so COOL