im going to disconnect my home internet now. going to try and go a week without it.

a digital detox to instill better habits. this constant distractioneering is only making me upset in the long term.

i will see you again to skip flat stones across that moon lake. to pick wild roses in due sun.

don't stop running if you don't see me ahead.

it doesn't have to be this way. i am determined to change. to find meaning, purpose and values i can get behind. to search for the axioms of my origin. my soul. the core of my being.

I'm not sure what it is just yet, but i will find out.

and yet this looming darkness persists. this fear that I'm not good enough, and no matter how hard i try i wont be good enough. the fear of people not liking me is making people not like me. i lack meaning and purpose and take on an outcome based perspective that strips the little drops of meaning i do acquire through things i enjoy.

whys it gotta be so hard for me?
(it doesn't; i make it so)

what i need is resilience. belief in my self that things aren't as terrible as i make them out to be. to be present in the moment and to see it for how it is.

things objectively really aren't that bad for me. i have food to eat, a roof over my head, a family that cares about me, and friends that actually like me. i have a job that pays alright, I'm still studying to be part of a lucrative industry and the prospects for my future are fairly bright by almost all measures.

my friends leave and i immediately go ba k to being sad. im able to keep off the darkness while distracted, but even moments alone are enough to throw me back into the pit of despair.

mark my words, i will claw my way out of this hole if it kills me.

looping through all my social apps desperately looking for something to distract me; someone to connect with. im bored at work, @ me friendos.

just failed the fuck out of one of my assignments worth 20% of the course. strangely though, instead of giving up and being a lil bitch about it like i normally would be, i vow to redouble my efforts, try harder and start the next ones earlier.

⬛ Sphinx of Black Quartz, Judge My Vow! ⬛

just got out of my counselling session and talking to someone really helps. there's something special about hearing a voice when compared to reading words

ultimately I'll be okay. i dont really believe that rn, and it's so cliche to say, but repetition is a key.

dont read, esp if you're kind to me Show more

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actually i do know why. in this specific instance it's partially because of a girl.

more generally it's because i never achieve my own standards. and when i do i move the goal posts.

i want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

why is it that i consistently feel awful about myself?

been awake and unable to get out of bed for what is now approaching 2 hours

trying to start today on the right foot. trying not to let it get to me.

i think imma do it.

maybe tomorrow. I'm thirsty and this seems to be the easiest way to satisfy that

inb4 2 weeks the future no matches gets me feeling depressed.

@majachai
'naturally talented' usually just means 'enjoys it so much they did all the practice when no one was looking'
@cypnk @garbados

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